Recipes

Hipster Hater Rolls

Hipster Hater Rolls

 

I don’t believe in a gluten free diet. I never will. Let us end this outrageous outpouring of humans who say they are strict gluten-free-ers. There can not be that many of us who have celiacs disease. It’s another fad. Don’t be one of them! It’s not SO terrible for you that a baked spaghetti dinner or roll with your soup will kill you.

Whats that saying? “Everything in moderation” (and I don’t mean that ridiculous commercial with smiling parents and children telling us about how high fructose corn syrup in Popsicles is the greatest thing since sliced bread {pun intended}, because that shit will kill you). No, I’m talking about the delicious all purpose flour, whole wheat, white whole wheat, spelt, corn flour, corn meal, basmati, jasmine, brown, wild and plain ole white rices and quinoa. All delicious forms of guten. So if you see that hipster working on devouring a salad with quinoa and fruits, please slap them. They are what’s wrong with this world. Most of the people who are a part of this outlandish fad assume gluten is only in pasta and bread. Oh, no no no, fools. That prissy co-worker who won’t go out to eat with any of you because you want Mexican food with tortillas and rice, but throws back several beers at the company Chrismas, take that beer and chuck it in the garbage then stare her in the face with a stone cold glare. She’ll understand eventually…

I just love me some gluten. This gluttonous gluten form can be modified almost a million different ways. It’s also another super recipe to quadruple and freeze. I make these suckers to accompany soups and pasta dishes. This is the simple version, but you can feel free to add herbs to your liking which could enhance the flavor of your accompanying meal.

Ingredients:

  •  2 1/4 tsp active dry yeast
  • 3 TBLS sugar
  • 1 1/4 C warm water (about 110*)
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 3 C flour (a little less if you are using whole wheat)
  • 1/4 C oil (veggie, corn, canola, EVOO, whatever, pick your poison)
  • Herbs: optional
  • A couple pats of butter: optional

Get Crackin’

  1. In a large batter bowl add your yeast, sugar and warm water. Give it a little whisk. The water should be warm on the backside of your wrist. Not scalding, though because if it is, it might kill your yeast. Think of the temperature of a baby bottle. The sugar feeds the yeast and speeds things up a little. If you want to be a real hippy instead of using organic sugar, you can substitute honey.
  2. Let that proof for about ten minutes. (When you go back to look at it, there should be a bubbly foamy layer that has developed on top). If there isn’t, your yeast is no longer active or you killed it using water that was too hot. Either way, don’t use it or you’ll end up with little bricks only suitable for use in a snowball fight. Sick.
  3. Otherwise, now add your salt and oil and whisk a little bit, again.
  4. Measure your flour. This is the step to add your herbs, if you so desire. Remember to put whatever desired amount into the palm of your hand and rub them over the flour. Whisk the flour to incorporate said herbs.
  5. Add the flour to the yeast mixture. I’m lazy, most people will tell you to flour a counter, drop out the blob and knead it. Don’t bother. It’s a waste. Just use a rigid wooden spoon to really mix the dough well.image
  6. Bread enthusiasts want you to waste another bowl by greasing it and adding your newly kneaded dough. They don’t have kids as cling-ons, grappling at you and pulling down your fashionable yoga pants. Ignore this step, leave that messy lumpy form in the same batter bowl and if you remember to, cover it with a towel.
  7. If I’m making a crockpot meal, I set the batter bowl right next to it. The crock gives off just enough heat to help your bread rise. If I’m making something in the oven, same thing, put the bowl on the stove right where the heat comes outs of the back. If you’re doing this as a make-ahead, you may need to pre-heat your oven to 200*, turn it off and add your bowl to ensure a proper rise.
  8. Once your dough has risen at least twice in size (about an hour, maybe a little longer depending on the temperature of your home), flour a decent sized area of your counter space. I use a 1/4 C measurer with extra flour to keep on hand while working the dough, you may not need it all.
  9. Flour your hands, punch down the center of your dough and scrape it onto the floured surface. Sprinkle the top of the dough with a little of the reserved flour.
  10. Take the heal of your hand and push out and away from you from the center of the dough. Turn your dough a quarter around and fold it back over towards you in half. Continue this kneading process until the dough is smooth and elastic and kind of shiny. At some point, if it starts sticking to the counter or your hands, use that reserved flour to resprinkle the counter or your hands. In the end it should hold its form, but not be too sticky to the touch.image
  11. Using a plastic scraper seperate your dough in half. Continue separating each half until you have a total of 16 chunks. They don’t have to be perfect, you aren’t exploding one of those Pillsbury cans, who cares what they look like as long as they are tastey?image
  12. You can bake these in an 10″ baker, but I prefer to use my cast iron skillet. I find they come out more flavorful. Whatever you choose, arrange them symmetrically either touching, or just a little ways apart. Let them rise again for another hour.
  13. Preheat your oven to 350*. If you want buttery rolls, put a couple pats on the top of the rolls after their second rise. Bake for about 40 minutes, or when the tops are very golden brown.

If you want to bake more for freezing, go ahead and double, triple, whatever the recipe. After they are all baked and cooled, put them on a cookie sheet and pop them in the freezer. Once they are firm and can’t get smunched, put them in a vacuum sealed bag. If you don’t have a vacuum sealer you can put them in Ziplock bags, but they wnot last as long. When you want to use them, unthaw and reheat in a 350* oven for about 10-20 minutes (depending on your oven).

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