The Thing No One Will Talk About

Growing up, I learned very little about sex. I learned that God hated it when you touched yourself and that waiting for marriage was the ultimate goal in life. I followed both of those rules dutifully.

What no one told me, is that sex is a huge gray area and that talking about sex with your partner is a must. You both have different bodies and you both have different needs. I didn’t do any of that, and on my wedding night, the pain was so excruciating, I could not have sex. Day one of my marriage was the beginning of its downfall. Sex became a sore subject. We were both miserable and not getting what we needed, and neither of us knew how to talk about it. I was in terrible pain every time I had sex but it was my duty as a wife, so I would do it when my husband asked. He was not sensitive to the issue and just wanted sex, as any 19 year old male does.

After I had my daughter, sex became less painful, sometimes. Only sometimes. But all the time, it didn’t feel good like I thought it should. I figured I was just born that way and could not enjoy intercourse. It became 100% an emotional thing for me. I enjoyed the emotional connection I was making, but when a man just wanted to have sex for physical pleasure, my emotional needs went out the window.

In both my failed marriages, I knew it was my duty to please my husband sexually, but now I am liberated. I know that nothing is my duty. NOTHING! In a marriage, love is a choice and a privilege. I do not have to be in pain (emotionally or physically) if I chose not to.

I endured 15 years of painful or non physically satisfying sex. I finally went to the doctor and they found that, combined with PTSD from expecting pain, I had a weak pelvic floor (associated with my overactive bladder) and leftover hymen skin. I am now working on steps to remedy these issues and hopefully grow to have a happy sex life. There’s pelvic floor physical therapy and the hymen skin can be removed!

Now I ask, why is this not something women talk about with their daughters, with their friends. Why is there no ad-vocation. I read that up to 20% of women (or more) feel pain during sex. THAT IS TOO MANY!!

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